PM sent to Lyle

[Deleted]

Hey, Lyle. Just a little feedback on your character application. First off, there’s nothing glaringly wrong with what you’ve got, so don’t panic. But, we’d like you to expand on what you have, give us a bit more insight on the inner workings of the character.

Personal Style:

This doesn’t have to be an epic novel, but it should be more than a list of things he wears. Give us an idea of how the character puts himself together. Sure, he wears jeans and shirts, but so does everybody. But, some people wear old, raggedy jeans and some people wear new jeans that only look old and raggedy. Some men wear girls’ jeans. See what I’m saying? Just be a bit more specific. Tell us how your character dresses more than what he wears. Three to five sentences should do you fine.

Biggest Secret:

This isn’t a huge deal, but we’ve been requiring every character to have at least one secret. It can be anything from “He likes watching Project Runway” to “He shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.” Just give us something.

Personality:

You manage to give us a good overall picture in a few sentences. Some things just struck me as unclear:

He is surprisingly positive for a hunter the type of guy who assumes the good guys are ought to win. Lyle will never accept it but he's also the kind guy who would pick a stray cute puppy howling on the street.

The part that confused me was the “Lyle will never accept it.” Is this referring to the stray puppy bit? Like, he’d never admit it, but he’d adopt a stray puppy if he found one? Or did you mean something else? Just clarify that a bit.

By the way, the fact that he has a soft spot for stray puppies but he’d never admit it would be a good secret.

He has a bit of a temper, there goes the occasional well timed bad choice, that he'll end up regreting later.

Again, just a bit of clarification. So, his bad temper leads him to making bad choices?

History:

Your history is very short, and seems to only focus on how Lyle became a hunter. Your history’s job is to give us an idea of how your character grew up, what sorts of things he’s gained and lost, and what led him to the point he’s at now. It should be a bit more well-rounded. When you say he had a normal childhood, that means different things to different people, depending on how they grew up. What was normal for Lyle? His father being a hunter already sets him up to have had an abnormal childhood on some level. Did his family live in one place all his life, or did they move around a lot? How did he do in school? Was he a good student, or did he skip class a lot and have a hard time getting his work done on time? Did he make friends, or was he the anti-social type? Did he go hunting with his father? Did he date? Did he have any normal jobs? You don’t have to answer all of these in your history. They’re just to get you thinking about other aspects of Lyle’s life. Again, it doesn’t have to be an epic novel, but it should outline your character’s life on a few different levels for us.

Your RP sample looks good and you’re a decent writer, so no worries there. Overall, we’d just like to know the character a little better. If you have any questions let me know (or any other staff member). Otherwise, reply to your application when you’re ready for us to take another look.