A little Angelic Touch

[Deleted]

THEN



Whispers. Castiel could hear whispering all around him when he opened his eyes. He wasn’t sure how he got there, the last thing he remembered was Dean and Sam, and Uriel arguing about finding Anna, and the next thing he knew Castiel was bound tightly and completely alone. That was until he stared hearing the whispers. He listened more closely and he could hear certain voices. Uriel’s and Zachariah’s. Castiel took a breath in his human body as he looked at the chains that held him.

Zachariah appeared before him and Uriel was on the other side of him shaking his head. Castiel tried to move but he frowned when he realized he was chained. “Torture….” He said, “This is a new form of low even for you Zachariah,” he said.

“Oh, its not exactly torture,” he said simply. “This is more of a memory test really,” he said to Castiel.

Castiel shook his head, “What are you talking about?” he asked.

“You will find out,” he said and Uriel snickered a bit.

“Castiel,” Zachariah said shaking his head, “Pathetic just HOW much Dean affects you,” he told him. “It’s a shame really. None of us planned on you becoming close to a human when we had you pull him out of Hell, but of course….you DO realize it has happened,” he said.

Castiel merely nodded. He never expected it either, but even so, he HAD become close with his charge, Dean. He saw how much Dean cared for Anna, saw how much Dean was hurting….he wanted to help, but he held back knowing he would get in trouble with his superiors. Yet Dean saved his life anyhow which completely shocked Castiel.

Zachariah turned to face Uriel and then he looked back at Castiel, “Unfortunately you realize that with every action, there IS a consequence,” he said.

“And you call this God’s work,” Castiel shook his head, “You call torturing God’s will and his way,” he said.

Zachairah merely laughed at him, “God has left the building,” he said, “I thought you knew this Castiel,” Zacahriah said to him. “And this isn’t torture, as I said before, its merely a memory test,” he said simply.

Castiel lowered his head a little and he looked around the table, there really was no way out. He was chained in chains that were too tight for even an angel to get free. “You are going to punish me, because I have gotten too close to my charge,” Castiel stated, “I get that now. I understand what you want me to do,” he said. “God could NOT have ordered this Zachariah,” he said. Castiel was wondering more and more where their orders came from.

Zachariah looked at Castiel right in the eyes, “Maybe not, but you will not remember what God ordered and what he didn’t,” he said and placed his hands on Castiel’s forehead.

Castiel cried out.

NOW

Castiel could still hear the whispering in his head. It terrified him very much so. Castiel started to shiver frightened as he lay on the bed in the old beat down hotel room. “What happened to me?” he asked terrified.

He looked around confused, “Who am I?” he whispered. Castiel found two beds in the room and wondered how he got here. He was completely disorientated. “What is my name?” Castiel asked.

Castiel sat down on the bed looking down at the floor a moment. He picked up something. A bible. Castiel stared at the familiar looking object. He held onto it for comfort not knowing why. His mind was frozen and he sat there, shivering and in shock. He had no clue where he came from or who he was. That terrified him more then anything.

[ZZZ - Dean - RETIRED]

Today was going to be a good day. Dean could feel it in his bones the moment he'd woken up. For once, he'd managed to get something resembling a good night's sleep, though he figured that spending most of the day before dead on his feet might have had something to do with it. By the time his head hit the pillow, he was already snoring. Only so much the human body would take before it went into over-ride and just shut down in order to recharge. Dean wasn't complaining, it was amazing the difference just an extra couple of hours sleep made to a person's mood.

So he'd sent Sam out for coffee while he showered, even more pleased that he'd been left with some hot water for a change too. Yes, today was going to be a good day. He was in such a happy mood that he even started singing in the shower, a little of Free's 'Alright Now' while he sculpted the soap in his hair into a mohawk.

When the water began to run cold, Dean rinsed himself off, leaning into the spray for just a moment too long resulting in a shiver running up his spine. At least he assumed it was because the water was too cold. He wasn't aware that Castiel had just appeared in the other room. The shower got turned off and Dean stepped out onto the questionable bathroom mat, reaching for an equally questionable motel room towel to roughly rub through his hair and then patted himself dry again. Lazily he wrapped it around his waist once he'd done and then smeared away the condensation on the mirror above the sink so that he could preen his sticky up hair into a more organised sticky up shape.

Halfway through the morning's bathroom activities, Dean thought he heard a voice in the other room and paused to listen again. It was a fair guess that it was probably Sam, back with coffee, though he was sure he hadn't heard the door open or close. When he didn't hear anything else, he assumed that he must have just heard something from the room next door, considering how thin the walls in these places were, and moved onto brushing his teeth.

With a mouth full of minty foam and a toothbrush in one hand, he emerged from the bathroom, figuring that it might be a good idea to 'borrow' some of Sam's clean socks while he wasn't looking because he knew for sure that all his were in dire need of a laundry run. He wasn't quite prepared to see Castiel sat on his bed, clasping hold of the motel Bible for dear life.

"Jesus Cas!" Dean exclaimed, startled in the doorway between the two rooms, his toothbrush immediately forgotten in one hand. He took a breath and relaxed again, getting more and more used to the strangeness of having an angel randomly poof into his life when he least expected it.

"I guess I should be grateful you didn't show up in the shower." He added with a humourless huff of laughter, returning the toothbrush to his mouth so he could finish the job while Castiel explained why he was here. No doubt there was some major crisis that he needed Dean's help for, which would explain the very anxious look on the guys face.

[Deleted]

Castiel was completely distraught and disorientated. He looked over at Dean as Dean was talking to him. Castiel jumped when Dean came out of the shower and he stared at him. “W-Who are you?” he asked dean completely confused. Castiel could feel things he never felt before and he was seeing things in a different perspective now. Castiel stared at Dean. Nothing looked familiar nothing. This room. It was old looking to him, like a hotel, but why would he end up over here? He didn’t understand it.

The one thing he DID Know was that everything changed. Castiel knew that he had some sort of powerful background, but what, he didn’t know. He stared at Dean again and walked right up to him, looking him in the eyes, “I don’t know you…” Castiel said “I don’t know ME,” Castiel said. He glanced at the bible, “I-I know this….” he said softly.

Castiel clung to the bible like it was the only thing he had left. He didn’t know why he clung to it so much. He had to, he simply had to. Castiel was shaking and he didn’t realize he was. “What is happening to me?” he asked. “I have never felt this way before….” He said. Finally he sat down and calmed himself down a bit and he almost looked like he was normal, except for the fact that he couldn’t remember anything.

He turned suddenly when he thought he heard the door open. He cringed when he realized it was the neighbors and not them. He was loosing his mind. “I do not know who I am,” Castiel said sounding very much like the Castiel everyone knew. “I have no recollection of where I came from, what I do….” Castiel sounded almost exactly the same, except there was a hint of emotion in his voice. “But you….” Castiel looked at Dean. “Can you help me?” he asked.

[ZZZ - Dean - RETIRED]

“W-Who are you?”

"Heh, that's a good one Cas." Dean chuckled, dismissively moving past the angel to Sam's duffel at the foot of his bed. He picked up the bag and unzipped it, jamming his toothbrush between his teeth like a cigar so he could rummage for those clean socks with both hands.

“I don’t know you…I don’t know ME,”

"Right. Next you'll be telling me you never heard of God either..."

The fact that Castiel was continuing what Dean had initially assumed was some kind of joke, suddenly made him stop what he was doing. Cas didn't joke. Hell, Dean didn't even know if he had a sense of humour. A deep frown sunk into his brow as he turned his head slowly to face the angel. Observing now how troubled he looked, Dean was beginning to suspect this was no joke at all.

"Seriously?" Seriously!?!

“What is happening to me? I have never felt this way before….”

"You're not kidding are you." The toothbrush had been taken out of his mouth again, which was probably for the best since Dean was now facing Castiel with his mouth hanging open in stunned disbelief.

"Is this some kind of test again? Like the Samhain thing? You pretend to have amnesia to get me to make the decisions or something?"

“I do not know who I am, I have no recollection of where I came from, what I do….”

"No." Dean muttered, taking a step away from Cas as though he didn't want to accept what he was saying.

"You don't remember anything at all?" He scratched his head, his fingers getting wet again from his still damp hair.

"How did you get here then if you don't know who I am?"

[Deleted]

Castiel looked around the room completely confused and he raised his eyebrows at Dean as he kept thinking he was joking. “This is not a joke,” he told him quite irritated. “I know you…” he siad looking at Dean. The only reason he knew him was because of the fact that Dean was still joking around quite a bit.

“I know God very well,” he said to Dean, “That much I DO know,” he said. He looked at the Bible he was holding. “I just do not know HOW I know him,” he said softly.

He stood up and shook his head when Dean kept on thinking that he was joking. “Why would I joke about something lke this?” he asked when Dean asked if he was serious. “I am not lying,” Castiel said, “I do not know who I am, nor where I am from,” he said, “It appears you know me though, and perhaps you can help me,” Castiel said sounding very much like his old self only just not knowing it.

“This is not a test,” Castiel answered, “And I do not know who Samhein is,” he said. “I am not pretending NOR joking!” Castiel was getting frustrated now and he gasped a bit as he heard himself raise his voice.

Castiel looked at Dean and shook his head. “No I do NOT remember anything at all,” he said and finally sat down again frustrated.

“I don’t know how I got here,” Castiel said honestly. “The last thing I remembered were voices…taunting me…. I was in this room, strapped to a table….” He closed his eyes and shuddered. “After that I don’t remember….” He said and put his hands in his head.

[ZZZ - Dean - RETIRED]

That warm and happy feeling Dean had started out the day with was rapidly turning into cold and disturbing the more Castiel insisted he didn't know who he was or how he'd gotten there. This just wasn't right. Angel's didn't get amnesia, did they? He still looked like the same angel to Dean, trenchcoat and slightly askew tie still in place. He sounded like him too, deep toned voice of authority, just with a subtle hint of freaking out about it.

If Castiel didn't know what was going on, how in the hell was he going to figure this out? If Dean had a problem, he asked Cas for help, that was how it worked. Not the other way around.

"Okay, I believe you man. Calm down before you smite me by accident will ya?" He said, putting his palms up to try and get Cas to relax.

"There's a reason you know God, he's your old man." Somehow he didn't think Castiel was going to get the hint so he spelt it out, plain as day for him.

"You're an angel. Sent to earth to vanquish demons? Stop Lilith from breaking the sixty six seals before she jump starts judgement day? Apocalypse now? Is any of this ringing a bell?"

And from the look on your face, I'd say probably not.

We're so screwed....

[Deleted]

Castiel was wondering why Dean was so insistent that he knew who he was. The thing was, he DIDN’T know who he was. He had no clue. Castiel was trying to remain calm, but it didn’t help that Dean was constantly questioning him. Telilng him who he was and that he HAD to remember it. Finally when Dean said he believed him Castiel was a bit calmer then he had been before. They had to figure this out, if something was really out to get them, he needed to get his memory back.

“Smite you?” Castiel frowned looking at Dean. Would he smite him? For what? Stating his opinion? Castiel had a feeling he wouldn’t do that. He looked over at the younger man with raised eyebrows. “I am calm,” he said to him.

Castiel went up to Dean and looked him in the eyes for a moment, “I…know you…” he said staring at him. He wondered how exactly, but was starting to get something coming to him. “Your name….say your name to me,” he said to him. He hoped maybe that would bring something back. He arrived in this strangers room suddenly and didn’t know anything about himself, nor where he was. It was confusing enough.

Castiel looked at Dean terrified, “I’m a….what?” he asked. “Your telling me I’m an angel? And that’s why I know about God?” he asked his eyes going wide. “Your crazy,” Castiel said shaking his head. “If I were an angel, why would I look human?” he asked. Castiel shook his head in disgust. “If there were such thing as God and Angels, why would I be in this dilemma? Why wouldn’t my father….as you call him, rescue me from this?” he asked.

Castiel frowned and looked at his hands for a moment. He stared at his body; it DID look familiar though he didn’t know why. “We need help,” Castiel said. “Do you know of anyone that could help us?” he asked. “Help ME get my memory back?”

[ZZZ - Dean - RETIRED]

“Your crazy, If I were an angel, why would I look human?”

Oh, where to start explaining all this....

"I'm not crazy Cas, though sometimes, I think it would be much easier if I was." Dean took a deep breath and began to explain things from the beginning.

"My name is Dean Winchester. The reason you know me is because you fought your way into Hell to pull me out and bring me back to life." He turned a little to one side and pointed to the handprint shaped burn scar that adorned his bare shoulder.

"You gave me this." He was almost tempted to tell Castiel to put his hand there to prove the two matched up, but felt awkward enough being half naked in a motel room with him as it was. If Cas wanted to check for himself, he wouldn't stop him, but there was no need to offer.

"You look human because you're using a human vessel as a host. As an angel, you're...you're pretty much just blinding light from what I can tell. Your true voice actually makes my ears bleed, which is why you're in this body, so you can communicate with me. Otherwise, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now."

“If there were such thing as God and Angels, why would I be in this dilemma? Why wouldn’t my father….as you call him, rescue me from this?”

Because I'm not even sure if he exists? The thought crossed his mind to tell Castiel just that, but he couldn't see how it would help matters to give the angel reasons to question his faith when he couldn't even remember what his name was. The only thing he was clinging to, was the familiarity of the Bible in his hands and since Dean was all out of ideas for jogging his memory right now, it didn't seem like a good idea to pull the faith rug out from under his feet if he didn't have to.

"I don't know." He replied, a tinge of apology in his voice for not being better able to explain.

“We need help. Do you know of anyone that could help us? Help ME get my memory back?”

"Yeah, you're right about that. We do need help." He wandered back into the bathroom and dropped his toothbrush into the little plastic cup by the sink and then returned to the bedroom to find clothes as he thought.

He could have called Bobby or Sam, but honestly he didn't think either one of them would have anything to offer that he couldn't think of himself. It wasn't as though amnesiac angels fell into their lives that often...

"Anna." He suddenly said out loud, standing upright with a fresh t-shirt in hand as though a lightbulb had just clicked on above his head.

"Do you remember Anna?" He looked expactantly at Cas, but only got a blank expression in return. "C'mon, you must remember Anna. She used to be your boss until she ripped out her grace and became a fallen angel."

The grey cotton shift got pulled down over his head, slightly messing up his hair in the process. He didn't even notice, too busy wondering how likely it would be for Pamela to answer a phonecall if she knew it was to help the angel that burned out her eyes.

[Deleted]

Castiel listened to Dean as he explained who he was. “Dean….” Something was ringing a bell to him. Something sounded familiar though he wasn’t sure what. “Winchester….” He repeated slowly. The name was really ringing a bell. A flashback came to him suddenly. Nothing special was coming to his mind though, so he didn’t exactly tell Dean that he was getting a familiar outlook.

As Dean pointed to the hand print that was on his arm Castiel stared at it. “Its vaguely…familiar….” He said going closer to it. He didn’t touch it, but he stared at it trying to remember how he gave it to Dean. He shook his head, nothing was coming. ‘How would I do that?” Castiel asked. It wasn’t even like a burnt mark, it was more of something branded. Castiel frowned staring at him.

“I’m using a human vessel….” He said repeating Dean’s words. None of this was making sense. He was an ANGEL? Would he have angelic powers? Castiel sat back down completely confused and terrified. None of this was making SENSE to him. None of it at all.

As Dean mentioned Anna, Castiel shook his head and frowned. “I do not remember…I am truly sorry,” he said and sat down. This was obviously beginning to frustrate him though he didn’t want to show it. For some reason he felt he shouldn’t. Castiel sighed and looked over at Dean, “Someone else perhaps?” he asked him. Cas was at a loss. He didn’t know who else besides doctors that could help with this sort of thing, and if he really WAS an angel, a doctor would probably not be the best thing right now.

[ZZZ - Dean - RETIRED]

"What? No, Anna's not someone who can help, at least I doubt she would right now..." The last Dean saw of Anna, she was exploding into a huge blast of white light, so he really didn't expect to ever be seeing her again. If he did, she'd have her grace back and probably wouldn't be the same Anna he knew anyway.

"She lost her memory too, when she lost her grace..." Dean suddenly frowned, worried that Castiel might have done the same thing.

"You didn''t cut your's out did you?" He paused, waiting for an answer that he didn't bother to listen to anyway. "What am I saying, you don't know, you've got amnesia. You probably don't even know what day it is."

Actually, what day is it?

That question and a million others that were rattling around in Dean's now over active brain never really got answered. There didn't seem to be much point in asking Castiel how he came to be there, what had happened to him or what day it was because he knew that the only reply he'd get was 'I don't know'. It wasn't Cas's fault. Something had happened to him and it was down to Dean to help him figure it out. He owed him that much.

"Look, the point is, Anna couldn't remember she was an angel, much like you can't now, so we called a friend of ours in to help her remember. Her name's Pamela Barnes, she's a psychic only..." and this was were it was going to get awkward.

"She doesn't really like you very much."

[Deleted]

Castiel merely nodded when Dean said Anna couldn’t help. He listened though as Dean said Anna ripped out her grace. What if that was what happened to him? he would be a fallen angel, wouldn’t he? He knew that was not necessarily a good thing and Castiel was worried.

“So your saying, Anna lost her memory, just the way I did when she lost her grace….” He said softly. “Then that’s what had to have happened….” Castiel said, “It is the only explanation…” Castiel thought a minute. “What could I have done to loose my grace? Or rip it out?” he asked. Cas frowned. WHY would he rip out his own grace? It didn’t make any sense, none of it did.

Castiel got up and paced back and forth a little trying to figure out what was happening with him. It couldn’t have been his grace. Could it?

Castiel listened to what Dean said about Pamela. He nodded, “That seems to be our only explanation….” He said. He frowned though when Dean said she didn’t like him. “What did I do to her?” he asked Dean, “How would I know that she would even help me?” he asked.

He figured that if he pissed off a psychic somehow that couldn’t be a good thing. He knew that they would have a hard time convincing Pamela to help them at all. He frowned at the thought. “There must be another way….” He was slowly starting to realize that there wasn’t though.

Castiel sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, “Very well, Pamela it is,” he said to Dean. He was desperate. He had to get his memory back, somehow…he had to figure out what was happening to him. It was driving him mad.

“Is there anything else you can tell me about my life?” Castiel asked Dean softly He wondered what was missing. EVERYTHING was missing, that much he knew. He knew there had to be something even more important.

[ZZZ - Dean - RETIRED]

"Actually, no. I don't think you have lost your grace. When Anna ripped her's out, she fell to earth and got...reborn again." He said, waving his hands in a vague gesture as he talked. "You, you're the same as the last time I saw you, aside from the whole amnesia thing. No, this is something else."

As he thought it through, he dug out a clean pair of boxers and pulled them on under the towel he was wearing around his waist, then found a less clean pair of jeans and tugged them on too, finally discarding the damp towel on a chair just as Castiel asked what he'd done to Pamela for her to not really like him. There was no easy or gentle way to explain, so Dean cut straight to it.

"You burned out her eyes when she looked at your true form." There was some regret in his voice, after all, Pamela had been helping Dean try to figure out who had dragged him out of Hell. It was his fault she was blind now, and if she chose not to help them, well he wasn't going to blame her. He shrugged and turned to his jacket to find his cellphone.

"Guess that's why you ride around in a vessel." He could see Cas wasn't taking the news very well. "Look, it was a while ago now, maybe she's gotten past it."

Unlikely...

“Is there anything else you can tell me about my life?”

Dean had dialled Pamela's number, tucking the cellphone between his ear and his shoulder so he could sit on the end of the other bed and put on the pair of socks he'd pinched from Sam's duffel.

"Um, not much." He thought for a second, realising he didn't know very much at all about the angel that he put so much trust in these days.

"I know you're a soldier in a garrison, along with another angel who's a major douche. His name's Uriel. You said he was a 'specialist'. Whatever the hell that means."

[Deleted]

Castiel listened to Dean as he explained what happened to Anna. “I see….” Was all he said. He wondered why Anna would do such a thing. Why would she rip out her grace and become a child? Dean said that Cas looked the same as when he saw him before, and even still…. Cas sighed and shook his head, “None of this is making SENSE,” he said getting a bit frustrated with his life right now. He just simply didn’t understand.

Castiel gave Dean some privacy as he changed. He could tell Dean already felt uncomfortable with him being there after just getting out of the shower, so Cas certainly didn’t want to make it worse. He went over to the window and stared out for a moment looking completely lost. Who was he? Was Dean lying? How would he even know? How could he be an angel? It didn’t make sense!

Castiel turned when Dean started to talk again, “I…burned her eyes out?” he asked softly not liking the sound of that. He knew it was something he would not MEAN to do exactly, but even so Dean was telling him he did it. Castiel sighed and looked at Dean. “It would make sense….” Cas said when Dean said that was why he was in a vessel. Cas nodded at Dean and sighed sitting down again. He wondered if Pamela would even want to help him.

“So you barely know me….yet I ended up in your room…” Cas said. “Don’t you find that odd?” he asked Dean.

Cas listened as Dean told him more. He sighed when he mentioned Uriel. Nothing rang a bell. Nothing. “Lets go find Pamela,” he said to Dean. “We need to take care of this,” he said.

[ZZZ - Dean - RETIRED]

“So you barely know me….yet I ended up in your room…Don’t you find that odd?”

Dean looked Castiel straight in the eye with the most sober look he had in his repertoire as though the angel had asked a question that he'd been telling him the answer to every damn day since Cas had first poofed into his life without warning.

Only every time you do it....

"You could say that, yeah."

Pamela's phone just kept ringing and ringing with no answer and finally Dean hung up in mild frustration and shoved his phone in his pocket. He figured they might as well set off in her direction and he could call her on the way. Perching on the edge of the bed still, he grabbed his boots and put them on, then found his pearl handled Colt, checked it was loaded and tucked it into the back of his jeans. Last, but not least, he picked up his brown leather jacket and shrugged into it, heading for the door as he fumbled through the pockets for his car keys.

"I'll try calling her again on the drive there, don't wanna just show up with you without warning her first. I think she's gonna be less than impressed as it is." Dean remarked, pausing at the door to check that he had his room key as well as making sure that Castiel was following him.

"You coming or what? Cause if you can't remember being an angel, I think flying in and out at the speed of light's probably best to be avoided right now. Just in case you forget how and crash and burn somewhere."

[Deleted]

Castiel looked at Dean confused. Pamela was not picking up the phone, yet they were going to drive there anyway. He looked at his friend wondering if they should even drive there before they reach her, but Castiel knew that she was probably avoiding Dean’s call though he didn’t say so. He tried not to look too nervous. He wasn’t totally sure that he wanted to remember who he was.

If he really was an angel, would he really want that life back again? What if he did something wrong and that’s why he ended up here?

“You said….I burned her eyes out…correct?” Castiel asked Dean again once they were in the car. “I do not remember doing so, but I seriously doubt she would want to help me,”

Castiel was starting to get frustrated, that much was obvious. He wanted to remember but then sometimes he didn’t. There were something’s he wasn’t sure he wanted to know about, but for some reason he knew he wouldn’t have a choice in the matter.

“Crash and burn…Dean, I do not know what you are talking about,” Castiel said to him.

Castiel couldn’t help but continue to feel nervous. He knew somehow that he wasn’t supposed to be feeling this way, though he didn’t mention it at all. Castiel glanced at Dean one more time, “You really think she will help?” he asked for the fifth time.