[chitaqua]Aching Hearts

[Deleted]

It was over. Far as Cas was concerned. Cas knew that things were bad, knew that he LET them get this bad. If he had done what the angels had asked YEARS ago maybe none of this would have happened. He should have stepped up with Zachariah and done SOMETHING. Killed Sam even. Now they knew they had to do that now, and Dean of course was a wreck. Dean completely changed. He had a new attitude, took charge of everything, and Cas knew he was still bottling everything up inside. He wished there was more he could do to help his friend, but he knew there wasn’t. He knew that Dean would just keep fighting, torturing and doing whatever it took to keep the humans alive, or what was left of them.

Cas paced around the camp waiting for Dean to come back. That was what he did now a days. Wait. Really, it was the only thing he COULD do.

Cas was pacing back and forth and decided to go for a walk. He felt so helpless and miserable. He hated being human.

He was getting used to the human functions and everything, but even so, it sucked. He couldn’t DO anything. He couldn’t fly to wherever he needed to be, and he didn’t know if Dean had needed his help or not. He hated it.

He was miserable. He missed being an angel more then anything and he missed knowing that God was around. Now he still believed there WAS a God, but he was having his doubts. He walked around camp wondering if God even still believed in helping them, if he even existed anymore.

Cas knew he had disobeyed far to much to even get in touch with ANY of the angels anymore, and most of them had vanished which left Cas into a pit of depression that he didn’t share with the others.

As he walked outside, he looked around sadly. What had happened to his father’s universe? Was there ANY hope anymore? He knew Dean had yelled for Zachairah many times but got no answer.

Cas was sad that Sam turned into what he did too. Lucifer. Cas had tried hard to reach him, and ended up pushing him further and further away. No matter what he did, it seemed to be screwed up.

He continued to walk kicking rocks and pouting on the way. He knew Dean was out on a mission and he was basically stuck there as usual. Cas walked by Annali’s cabin and decided to pay her a visit. He needed a friend, and he and Annali had gotten close. Best friend close. He knocked and waited for her to answer. He knew she would see the worry in his eyes but he didn’t care. He needed to talk He popped a drug in his mouth and sighed looking at the bottle. Did these really help him? Or was this pointless too? He shook his head deciding not to worry about it. He waited.

[The Preceptor]

Three days. Three freaking days of this stupid stomach virus and, quite honestly, Annali was getting sick (literally) of not being able to hold down her breakfast. She'd cook the meals for everyone in the camp and for so long it had been something that she enjoyed... knowing that she was at least doing something to help the hunters. Dean did everything he could to keep her out of the line of fire, even though she had done quite a bit of self defense and weapon training, and that meant that she spent day and night cooped up in these stuffy cabins. She knew that Dean meant well... he loved her and wanted to keep her safe, especially now that things were so bad. But sometimes she just wanted to get out into the world.

But over the past few days, preparing those meals was just torture. Every scent of every different food seemed to invade her nostrils full force, and there was rarely a smell that didn't turn her stomach and make her want to wretch.

And why the heck wasn't anyone else getting sick??

This time she had barely made it to the toilet, and had sprayed down the seat with anti-bacterial cleaner in order to clean up the vomit that didn't quite end up inside. Annali's face was pale, though her cheeks were flushed pink as she wiped it clean, trying to erase from her mind the memories of the remnants of the blueberry muffin and orange juice that she had just flushed down. She settled back on her haunches and let out a tired sigh, wiping the back of her hand across her forehead when she heard a knock on the door.

She didn't have to even ask who it was. Castiel had a special way of knocking. She never mentioned it to him, afraid that if she brought it to his attention it might make him too conscious of it and that he would change. But it was a small comfort to her... that one loud knock followed by the short, softer ones. Every... single... time...

"Cas," she said in a breathy exhale as she threw open the door. Immediately she reached out and grabbed his arm, pulling him into the cabin and closing and locking the door behind her. Annali glanced down at the filthy rag in her other hand and bit her lip, tossing it into an old bucket in the corner. She wiped her hands on her worn jeans and turned to face her friend again. "What's up?"

[Deleted]

Cas had been a bit worried about Annali because he had noticed she was acting a bit strangely. Even so, he wanted to visit her. The things on his mind were just too much for him to handle, even as human he was more confused then ever. He rubbed the back of his neck and looked at Annali for a minute. “Hi,” he said to her softly.

He had also loved Annali’s cooking and was grateful she was there to shed light on the subject. He knew that she made Dean’s whole world and that was good enough for him.

He knew Dean needed a separation, between what was happening and what was going to happen. Annali was that separation. Sam was now Lucifer, and Cas knew how much that tore Dean up though he didn’t say so to the hunter. He had tried, but he had given up when he became more human. He knew Dean didn’t like to talk and Cas respected that.

Cas walked inside Annali’s place as she quickly told him to come in. Couldn’t be too careful now a days.

When Castiel walked inside, he noticed something different about Annali. Something he never noticed before. He placed a hand on her stomach. “Your pregnant….” He said to her with a small smile.

He wondered how she would feel about that. He hoped it was good news. Obviously Castiel still had SOME of his mojo, just not very much.

He smiled a bit at her. “Your going to be a mother…Dean is going to be a father….” He said softly. “Congratulations…” he said.

He sat down and popped another pill in his mouth. He needed them. They helped him think, helped him keep a clear head with all the CRAP that was going on in the world now.

He sadly thought of Sam. He knew the human Sam would have loved to be an Uncle. But now…that would never be. Lucifer had taken over him. Truth was, that saddened Cas. More then people thought. They had all tried so hard to save him. There wasn't much else any of them could do.

Cas smiled a little at her, "You should name it Sam...or Sammy...not after the Sam you know now, but after the one Dean used to know years ago...." he said. Cas knew thats how he wanted to be remembered, like how he was. Not how he is now.

[The Preceptor]

Annali stood there, staring with her mouth agape at Castiel as he made his declaration. She felt a lurch in the pit of her stomach, and realized quickly that the disappointment she felt was due mostly to the fact that she wasn't feeling overjoyed by the news he had just given her. She watched him, unblinking, as he popped another pill into his mouth, and it took a few moments before she finally managed to find her voice. "What? N-no..." She glanced down at her abdomen, seeming to notice for the first time that she did seem to be gaining a very slight curve to her belly. She hadn't really paid attention to it before... it wasn't really much of a change. But now it made sense why she was the only one getting sick.

She moved as if in a haze, reaching out and taking the pill bottle from Castiel with very little effort. Annali gazed at the label, but it was too blurry, and she blinked once or twice before realizing that her vision was being clouded by tears. Dean was going to be furious...

"Cas, I... I can't..." When she looked up and met his gaze, the tears were already streaming down her cheeks, and the expression on her face was one of pure hopelessness. She felt like there was a weight hanging from her heart, pulling it down... the sense of dread at the idea of bringing a baby into a world like this was more than she could stand. There was a time when she had thought she and Dean might have a normal life one day... big back yard, white picket fence, 2.5 kids and all... but it had become clear that life would never turn out that way for them. "You've made a mistake. That can't be true..."

[Deleted]

Castiel looked at Annali a bit confused, but then he seemed to frown a little. She wasn't happy she was pregnant? Then he realized, why should she be? This was a dying world. Most humans were dying now, and if a baby was born in it....most likely the baby would die as well. Cas sighed not knowing what to say to her. He was still not used to being human. "I am not mistaken...." he said to her quietly. Though now he wished her were.

Cas sat next to her, "Dean might be happy..." he said hoping he was right. He wondered what would happen if Dean wasn't. He didn't want to see them break up or anything, Annali was what kept Dean going and Cas knew that.

Cas sighed and looked at her, he sat down next to her and tried to smile. "it will be alright," he said putting a hand on her shoulder. He wasn't used to comforting people like this, he just wasn't used to this human stuff. "We will all watch after him..or her..." Cas said quietly.

Cas sighed wondering how Dean would take this. He knew Dean had a lot on his mind now, and he also knew that maybe this was what he needed. After everything that happened.... "Annali it will be alright..." Cas whispered again trying to comfort her the best he could. "You should tell Dean...." he said.

[The Preceptor]

Annali gave her nervous laugh, turning her blue eyes on the angel whom she had come to rely on just as much as Dean. "Tell him?" she asked, disbelief coloring her voice. "Cas I'll be lucky if he doesn't kill me," she sighed, resting her elbows on her knees and burying her face in her hands. She sat there in silence for a moment, sobbing silently, and then she sat back on the worn sofa and twisted her body toward Castiel, curling up against his side.

She had absolutely no idea what to do. The idea of having the child aborted wasn't one she was even willing to think about. And even if she did want to do something like that, the world just wasn't safe enough for it. Dean barely allowed her to venture out of camp as it was. Now and then he would let her go on a supply run with Chuck and that was only as long as Cas came along as well. Now, it was going to be much worse. And as if Dean didn't have enough on his plate, now there was this tiny living being they had created together that would be thrown into the fray in about eight month's time.

With a sigh, she glanced at the pill bottle that she had taken from Cas, and shook her head. "You have got to stop this, you know," she said with a frown before setting the bottle onto the end table and then curling up on the couch with him again. "Or save the rest for me..."

[Deleted]

Cas looked at Annali worried. He never would have expected that reaction from her. When most people were pregnant they were overjoyed, but she was depressed. How could he help her with this? He sighed and looked out the window a moment, "Dean will not kill you Annali," he said quietly. "Annali....this will..change his life, perhaps he needs a little happiness in his life...." he sighed looking down at the ground knowing he was way wrong, but what else could he say? He needed to be there for Annali and he was trying to.

Cas sighed and sat next to her as she started to cry a bit. He put an arm around her not really good at the whole comforting thing. He wondered exactly what they would do next. Would they up and tell Dean? Would she even want to? He wondered how that would go exactly.

Cas frowned and looked at her seriously for a moment. "Annali....you DO know we have to tell him," he said quietly, "You can't keep this from him," just that thought tore something thorough Cas's heart. The thought of Dean not knowing about his son or daughter, and then something happening.... Cas couldn't bare it, but he knew Annali would tell him. He knew that she had to. She wasn't that kind of person. Not by a long shot.

Cas looked down at his pills as she stared at them, "You are not getting them," he said to her and put them away for a minute. "Honestly? They help me through the day," he said and then he stood up. "You know, I was involved in much bigger things before all this," he said calmly walking over to the window. "I was an angel. This powerful being that lived over 1 million years ago...." he said calmly, "But now? Look at me Annali," he said. "I'm worthless! I can barely take out a Croat without being scared shitless, and remember when I broke my foot?" he asked. "I was wortheless, to Dean, and to everyone at this camp. So why NOT ride the high a bit?" he asked shaking his head.

He stared at the pills, "It's better then thinking about where I'll be going once all this is over," he muttered. "Do you really think Heaven will accept me back?" he shook his head. "I betrayed my family. For what? For this....." he said quietly. "Your one of the things that are keeping me going Annali...." Cas said softly to her "I just can't....." he turned again and realized his voice was choked up. "I can't ever get back what I had before. Even if I DO find God someday....the chances of him allowing me back into His kingdom again are...." Cas shook his head and sat down. "Like I said....they get me through..." he said staring at the pills more.