The Talk [Sam]

[Deleted]

Ruby

Ruby kept her gaze on the road as she drove, keeping to the speed limit - a rarity for her, but she wasn't exactly in a rush. She realized she was gripping the steering wheel more tightly than necessary and forced her fingers to relax. The car was completely silent.

She glanced over at Sam in the passenger seat. His jaw muscles were tight and he wasn't looking at her. She glanced at the radio before shifting her gaze to the road. The radio had been blaring when she started the car and Sam had been quick to shut it off. Ruby had expected him to say something after that. He was the one who wanted to take this little field trip so they could "talk."
But, he hadn't said anything. Not one word, not even an irritated sigh since they'd left Dean and Castiel at the motel room. Ruby had managed to undo whatever the hell Alastair had done to him, which she'd been relieved about for about two seconds.

Until Sam had cornered her afterwards with the broody 'we need to talk' thing.

Now they were on their way to her motel and they'd gone the whole way in total silence. 'Awkward car ride' didn't even begin to touch this situation. Ruby had thought about saying something several times, but she knew Sam well enough to know he was pissed and he was sitting there stewing. A ticking timebomb. Anything she said would most likely trigger an explosion.
She couldn't blame him. They'd trained and he'd pulled more demons than he ever had before, and then they'd had that 'talk,' which had led to kissing, which had led to way more than kissing. That in itself was no big deal - it wasn't the first time she and Sam had sex - but it had definitely been different. Not necessarily bad, but it had made her think about a lot afterwards. All that thinking had led to feeling, which had completely freaked her out, so she'd done what she always did: she disappeared.

In her defense, she hadn't completely disappeared. She'd kept in touch with Sam through texts and phonecalls. Although lately she'd avoided more of his phonecalls than she'd picked up, which wasn't going to help the pending conversation.

She had a horrible feeling in her stomach as she pulled into the motel parking lot. She didn't know what was worse: the drawn out anticipation of the car ride itself, or knowing that once she parked there was nothing standing between them and what would most definitely be a nasty fight.

Ruby parked more carefully than she normally did, buying herself a few more seconds before this little song and dance got going. Once she put the car in Park she turned off the ignition and pulled out the keys. She sat there for a long moment, listening to the engine tick as it cooled and looking down at her car keys, fumbling with them nervously. She glanced over at Sam as she waited for him to say something.

[Sam Winchester (NPC)]

Sam

Sam was in a growly mood. The day had certainly not been a stellar one. Having to go and rescue Castiel, which turned out to be a fiasco and a confrontation with Alastair. Then they had to call in Ruby to help them because, they had no idea what to do with a sick and broken angel. The tension between Ruby and Sam was thick the whole time. They had to put it off to the side while they helped Castiel, but when Ruby had tried to make a hasty exit. Sam was having none of that and had taken off after her. Confronting her, telling her they needed to talk.

Now they were sitting in the car on their way to Ruby's motel room and the silence hung ominously between them. Sam needed time to think, to gather his thoughts. He stared straight ahead out the window as they drove. His jaw was clenched tight, he tried to clear his mind so he could figure out how to approach this. Fighting wasn't going to do them any good, but he was afraid that if he wasn't careful with what he said, that's how it was going to end up. Just a big yelling match between them and nothing would get resolved. They would end up back at square one again. He didn't want that, they had finally made some progress. At least he had thought so.

They arrived at the motel and they both sat there for a few moments after Ruby shut the engine off. Neither one of them making a move to get out yet. With a heavy sigh, Sam turned to look at Ruby.

"Are we just going to sit here or are we going to go inside?"

Frowning a bit he waited for her to answer. Then he pulled the handled on the door, pushed it open and climbed out. Waiting for Ruby to get out of the car before he followed her to the door of her room.

[Deleted]

Ruby

Ruby didn't know what she was supposed to do in this situation. Should she say something, or wait for Sam to say something? Should she get out of the car, or wait for him to get out? Well, this was annoying. Back in her days as a blonde she wouldn't have even thought twice before she said something snarky and got out of the car.
Apparently a lot had changed since then, for both of them. Sam was right about that.

Sam sighed and looked over at her and she gripped her keys tightly. They made a sharp jingling noise before going silent. Damn, this anticipation thing sucked.

"Are we just going to sit here or are we going to go inside?"

He sounded irritated and, if she wasn't mistaken, his voice was a little strained.

Ruby looked down at her keys, cleared her throat and shrugged.

"Whatever trips your trigger, Sam."

She mentally kicked herself. That was a bad choice of words, wasn't it? Kind of like she was calling him a loaded gun, which wasn't much better than a ticking timebomb.

If the comment annoyed him, he didn't acknowledge it. He just got out of the car, so she did the same, shoving her keys in her pocket and pulling out the motel room key. She walked quickly to the door, not bothering to look over at Sam. No way did she want to have this big talk start in the parking lot.

Ruby unlocked the door, taking a little longer than necessary both because she was really not looking forward to whatever big talk they were about to have and because her hands were shaking. What was up with that? She finally managed to unlock the door and shove it open, yanking the key out before strolling inside. She flipped on the light and moved to toss the room key onto the bed, but decided to hang onto it. For some reason having something in her hands to fiddle with made her feel less anxious.

She flopped down on the bed and started taking off her boots, more to give her something to do than anything else while Sam was glaring at her or whatever he was doing.

[Sam Winchester (NPC)]

Sam

Sam scrubbed a hand through his hair as Ruby unlocked the door. He glanced over at her, she was taking her time getting the door open. Looking down he saw her trying to get the key into the lock. Were her hands actually shaking? What did that mean? He had to think about that one. Sure, she was probably sitting there waiting for him to unload on her. Knowing he was upset. But, Ruby, nervous about that? That wasn't like her, she normally gave as good as she got. Maybe she just didn't want to be there at all? There his mind went again, running away with things. Maybe she didn't want to be there, but she was. That said something, didn't it?

Staying quiet he walked into the room, following behind her. As she sat down on one bed, Sam moved and sat down on the edge of the other. Sitting with his arms resting on his thighs, he hands clasped together. He looked at Ruby again, she was playing with the motel room key in her hand. Sam looked down at his hands in his lap. Well, this was getting them no where fast. Both of them sitting there in silence. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Swallowing a bit thickly, then clearing his throat.

"First of all, I'm not mad. Well... not exactly anyway."

Sam rubbed his hands together and then brought his head and his hands together, rubbing the heal of his thumbs against his forehead. He closed his eyes and tried to focus. Now was not the time to over react. Letting out another breath he dropped his hands back down in his lap. Opening his eyes he looked across to the other bed where Ruby was sitting.

"You said you needed some space. I think I've been pretty good about that. But, you can't just avoid me Ruby. I thought... I don't want to go all the way back to square one on this. We need to talk. YOU need to talk to me. Tell me what you're feeling or at least what you are thinking. We have to deal with this."

He stopped talking but kept his eyes on her. Trying to meet her gaze, but she seemed to be trying to avoid looking at him. The frustration started to rise up again. He tried to push it back down. It wasn't going to help, he had to try and be rational. Find some kind of logic, something Ruby could see that would help things make sense to her.

[Deleted]

Ruby

Ruby turned the room key over in her hands a few times, moving the obnoxious plastic piece attached to the key ring and listening to the clacking noise it made against the metal key. Sam sat on the opposite bed looking at her. She could feel his eyes on her and her cheeks got hot.

She set the motel key down beside her on top of the bedspread and pulled off one boot, dropping it on the floor before crossing her other leg over her knee to work on boot number two.
She glanced over at Sam out of the corner of her eye when he cleared his throat.

"First of all, I'm not mad. Well... not exactly anyway."

Ruby pulled off her second boot and dropped it beside the first. She kicked them under the bed with her bare feet before she slid back on the bed and crossed her legs under her. She stole a glance at Sam while he had his head in his hands. She frowned. She doubted he wasn't mad, but there was more to it than mad. He was probably frustrated more than anything.

She looked away as he looked up and she started to shrug out of her jacket. She still wasn't facing him. It was easier to avoid eye contact if she had to turn her head to look at him. She pulled her jacket off, hearing her car keys and cell phone rattling around in one of the pockets.

"You said you needed some space. I think I've been pretty good about that. But, you can't just avoid me Ruby. I thought... I don't want to go all the way back to square one on this."

She folded her jacket, one sleeve on top of the other, and laid it on the bed beside her. She picked up the room key again but made an effort not to play with it. Instead she just held it tightly in her hands as Sam continued talking.

"We need to talk. YOU need to talk to me. Tell me what you're feeling or at least what you are thinking. We have to deal with this."

Ruby sighed softly and bit her lower lip thoughtfully. Okay, so he hadn't blown up and yelled at her... yet. That was something. And she'd listened to what he said and wanted to at least try not to say something totally insensitive or just plain bitchy. Sam was making an effort to sound calm and rational, but she could hear the tension and frustration in his voice. It wouldn't take much for this to turn into a screaming match.

She set the key on top of her jacket and turned around to face him, letting her legs dangle off the side of the bed and finally making eye contact with him.

"Okay. Here's the thing with the talking," she said. "I'm not really good at all this touchy feely stuff as it is, and I'm definitely not good at talking about it."

She rubbed her palms on her jeans in an antsy gesture.

"So, if you're going to make me talk about all this stuff, it's gonna come out wrong. I mean, I appreciate you trying to restrain yourself and everything, but we both know you want to scream at me or something. And if you don't want this little talk to turn into us yelling at each other, you can't flip out at me if I say something wrong."

She was blunt and to the point, there was no doubt about that, but it wasn't just her that always turned these things into a fight. Yeah, she came off as cold or insensitive or whatever, but she wasn't used to trying not to come off that way. Even when she tried to be tactful something crappy always fell out of her mouth anyway. And she couldn't blame it all on the whole demon thing. She'd been like that when she was human, too: always saying whatever popped into her head without filtering it much.
But, Sam knew she was like that. He had to know she'd say something that hit him wrong at some point, and being all pissed off about it never helped.

[Sam Winchester (NPC)]

Sam

Sam waited while Ruby took her time, taking off her boots, taking off her jacket. Carefully folding the jacket and setting it down on the bed. All the while she avoided looking at him. He rubbed his neck idly while he kept telling himself to just stay calm. He was pretty much past the anger now. Not that he wasn't still frustrated, but that was different than angry. He knew how she was, they had been around each other enough to know how the other one operated. The way they reacted. Their natural defense mechanisms. Sam knew that this was not in Ruby's comfort zone and that she was going to have difficulty with it. He just had to remember that and keep a grip on himself. Not let it bother him too much.

"Okay. Here's the thing with the talking," she said.

"I'm not really good at all this touchy feely stuff as it is, and I'm definitely not good at talking about it."

Sam sighed lightly and nodded. His eyes still maintaining contact with hers.

"I know that."

He replied quietly.

"So, if you're going to make me talk about all this stuff, it's gonna come out wrong. I mean, I appreciate you trying to restrain yourself and everything, but we both know you want to scream at me or something. And if you don't want this little talk to turn into us yelling at each other, you can't flip out at me if I say something wrong."

He couldn't help but smirk a little bit and a slight chuckle escaped him. Peering at her he gave her a look.

"Yes, I know these things too Ruby. I'm not going to scream Ruby, I promise. Like I said, I'm not mad. I mean, I can't say I'm NEVER going to get mad... This is you and me you know. We're going to have our disagreements. But, right here... right now. I'm not mad and I'm not going to yell. I want to hear what you have to say. Whether it comes out wrong or not. We can sort it out till you get it right."

For some reason he couldn't help but smile at her. It was strange. Just the fact that they were there though, he knew it was something. She was there, talking to him. Trying to explain to him that she knew that she came off harshly sometimes. He knew it was her way of saying she didn't mean to be mean. She just didn't know how to put her her thoughts and feelings into words, at least on this topic. It was new to her. He could understand that. He wanted her to know that he understood.

[/blockquote]

[Deleted]

Ruby

Normally Ruby wasn't too concerned with saying the wrong thing or coming off too snarky. That was who she was, and if someone had an issue it wasn't her problem. But this was different. This was something she already naturally did wrong: whatever this thing with her and Sam was. She didn't want to call it a relationship. Wasn't a relationship all about fitting well together and getting along, at least? She didn't think she and Sam fit as easily as real couples did. It was all confusing and difficult enough without her making it worse.

She was trying, here. She understood that whatever this was, it was important to Sam, and it hurt him when it didn't seem like she realized that. Sometimes she forgot that Sam WAS human. He had a little something extra, but that didn't make him evil or inhuman. She knew that, but sometimes she forgot how easily he could get hurt emotionally. She was trying to be more sensitive about that.
Ruby wrinkled her eyebrows when Sam chuckled. That was good, she guessed. At least he wasn't being all awkward and silent.

"Yes, I know these things too Ruby," he said. "I'm not going to scream Ruby, I promise. Like I said, I'm not mad. I mean, I cant say I'm NEVER going to get mad... This is you and me you know. We're going to have our disagreements. But, right here... right now. I'm not mad and I'm not going to yell. I want to hear what you have to say. Whether it comes out wrong or not. We can sort it out till you get it right."

She studied him for a moment as he smiled at her. Okay, this was new. Whenever they tried to talk about anything they ended up arguing, and this was a new kind of 'anything' for them to be talking about. She didn't even know what to do with it, let alone have to explain it. She sighed and ran a hand through her hair.

"Okay... I'm sorry I took off," she said quickly.

Appologies weren't easy for her, and it was best when she blurted them out quick before she changed her mind.

"I'm sure that was all sucky and confusing for you, but I didn't know what to do with any of that... stuff that happened, and the stuff we talked about. If I hung around, I'd have to like... see you, and talk to you and everything. And I didn't want to do that."

She stopped talking for a second. Wait... that hadn't come out right. When she spoke again she started talking fast and kind of babbling, not a normal habit of hers, but it was happening.

"Wait... I didn't mean that," she said quickly. "It's not like I don't want to see you and talk to you. Not, you know, usually. But, I didn't know how I... I don't know, felt about everything. And you always want to do this and talk about stuff, and how was I supposed to talk about all that when I didn't know what the hell to do with it?"

She sighed, frustrated. Why couldn't she explain this right? For once she wished Sam could just read her mind or something and just sort through everything flying around in there.

"And I didn't mean to totally leave," she continued, "but once I was gone I started thinking, and it stirred up all this crap in my head and it just made it worse, and I didn't want to talk about that either. Then by the time I figured things out I was kind of gone a while and I figured you were pissed off so I didn't want to deal with that either. And being around you was what stirred up all the pain in the ass crap in the first place, so I wanted to stay away from you until it went away. But it didn't go away and I still don't know what to do with it and now I'm sitting here babbling and making no sense and it's not helping."

Ruby leaned forward, putting her head in her hands and raking her fingers through her hair, resting her elbows on her knees.

"Ugh. You suck for making me do this," she muttered.

She was frustrated and angry, both at herself for not being able to deal with this or explain it and at Sam for stirring up all this stuff to begin with and making her try to explain it. Things had been so much easier before. Why couldn't they have just stayed that way?

[Sam Winchester (NPC)]

Sam

Sam sat on the bed and eyed Ruby. He could see that she was uncomfortable. She was trying though, he had to give that to her. Staying quiet he let her talk for a moment. He tried to keep his face as serious as possible. A slight smile crept across his lips though that he just couldn't help. He was well aware that it wasn't easy for her to say she was sorry.

"Okay... I'm sorry I took off," she said.

Sam raised an eyebrow and was about to say something, then closed his mouth when Ruby continued on.

"I'm sure that was all sucky and confusing for you, but I didn't know what to do with any of that... stuff that happened, and the stuff we talked about. If I hung around, I'd have to like... see you, and talk to you and everything. And I didn't want to do that."

He frowned a bit, when she paused. Not sure how he felt about what she had just said. He was trying to decipher the meaning there. It was only a another few seconds before she went on again. The words tumbling out of her mouth as she tried to explain what she meant.

"Wait... I didn't mean that," she said quickly. "It's not like I don't want to see you and talk to you. Not, you know, usually. But, I didn't know how I... I don't know, felt about everything. And you always want to do this and talk about stuff, and how was I supposed to talk about all that when I didn't know what the hell to do with it?"

Sam let out a sigh and rubbed the back of his neck. He took the opportunity to slip a sentence or two in while she paused again.

"It's OK Ruby. You're allowed to be confused about things. Relation... Uh... things like this aren't easy for anyone. It's always complicated when you're dealing with feelings. It's not just you."

"Ugh. You suck for making me do this," she muttered.

Sam let his head fall forward slightly and rubbed the bridge of his nose. He let out a sigh, then stood up and moved across to the other bed. Sitting down next to Ruby he put an arm around her shoulders and then kissed the side of her head at the temple softly.

"Don't worry. We'll figure things out. I know you didn't mean to just leave this time. I wish you wouldn't be afraid of talking to me though. That's all. If you think this is easy for me, you're wrong about that."

[Deleted]

Ruby

Ruby sat with her head in her hands for a long moment, trying to figure out how to re-say some of the crap she'd just said and how to explain the things she hadn't said yet. On the one hand, it should have been simple. She should've just been able to say what she had to say, and if Sam had an issue that was his problem. That was what she would've done before.

Before? Before what? When had this been split up into a "before" and "after" kind of thing? The last time they'd been together? Even before that? She couldn't quite tell. But at some point she'd stopped thinking of this thing with Sam as something handy she could use, and started actually seeing it as something complicated. And over the past several weeks she'd been trying to figure out what that meant, and she'd been trying not to do anything to mess it up.

"It's OK Ruby," Sam said. "You're allowed to be confused about things. Relation... Uh... things like this aren't easy for anyone. It's always complicated when you're dealing with feelings. It's not just you."

Ruby sighed. That didn't help. She was too busy trying to sort out her own thoughts to notice the fraction of the word "relationship" that had come out of Sam's mouth.

Then she muttered that he sucked for making her do this, but she didn't mean that either. Everything that was coming out of her mouth tonight was wrong.

She heard Sam stand and move across the floor, but she didn't look up just yet. She was flustered and maybe even a little embarrassed at her incredible lack of speaking skills.
It wasn't until Sam sat down beside her that she sat up a little, still leaning her elbows on her knees. Sam put his arm around her and kissed the side of her head gently. It surprised her slightly, but she didn't pull away or recoil. It wasn't the physical stuff she was having a problem with. She leaned against Sam, laying her head on his shoulder. It was strangely comforting just being close to him. It made things feel a little less complicated.

"Don't worry. We'll figure things out," he said. "I know you didn't mean to just leave this time. I wish you wouldn't be afraid of talking to me though. That's all. If you think this is easy for me, you're wrong about that."

Ruby sighed. She knew this couldn't be easy for him. Having warm fuzzy feelings for a demon who said things like "I don't want to be around you or talk to you" and disappeared for weeks at a time.

"I'm not afraid to talk to you," she said. "I don't know how to talk to you. There's a difference."

She pulled away and shifted to face him, tucking one leg under her and letting the other dangle off the edge of the bed. As much as she wanted to just plop Sam into her head for five minutes so he could see what was going on in there, that wasn't going to happen. She was going to have to try to explain, no matter how wrong it might possibly come out.

"This... thing with us, whatever it is, it's messing me up, okay? I can't think straight about anything because my head's to busy trying to figure out what the hell's going on with all this crap."

She hated how all this was sounding, but she forced herself to keep talking. She could correct herself later, damn it.

"I thought if I just took myself out of it, got some time to myself, I'd be able to figure things out and come back NOT all messed up. But that didn't happen so I tried to stop thinking about it altogether." She sighed. "Okay, you know how the second you try not to think about something it's all you can think about? That's kind of what happened. Like, no matter what I did I kept thinking about you. So then I'd text you, but then I'd want to call you... but calling meant talking and I didn't want to go there. Then you'd call me and I wouldn't answer. Then I'd feel bad for not answering... then I'd feel bad for leaving in the first place, and bam. I'm stuck thinking and feeling bad again."

She shrugged and looked down at her hands in her lap. There was more she needed to explain, but she didn't quite know how to get there. All these things were all jumbled together and not so easy for her to access coherently. She was confused enough, she didn't want to confuse Sam too.

[Sam Winchester (NPC)]

Sam

Sam frowned a little as he took in her statement. It was a little puzzling to him. Then she moved away slightly and adjusted herself so she could face him. He shook his head and mumbled slightly.

"I'm not sure what you mean that you don't know how to talk to me. I'm not sure what the difference is."

He watched her as she spoke again. Trying to assimilate what she was saying. Sam understood that she was having difficulty with the whole situation. It just seemed that she was talking herself in circles. He wasn't sure what to do or say to her, maybe he just needed to let her keep talking. Sitting on the side of the bed he waited until she seemed to have finished.

"Ruby... this 'thing' with us. The more you try to figure it out, the more you're going to keep your mind swirling in confusion."

Sam took a deep breath to give him a moment to think. How could he explain it to her? What could he say that would ease her mind. If she was not going to let herself see the reality, she was never going to come to terms with it.

"I understand that you needed some space. Then things just got away from you. You are tearing yourself up trying to think this out logically. Sometimes, things just aren't logical. You want to try and put it into some kind of a neat little box and it just doesn't work that way. I mean, you don't even want to call it a relationship. But... let's face it, that's what it is. We have something together. I don't know how to help you admit to that in your own head. It's like you can't allow it to be true, that there is something wrong with it."

Sam slid off the edge of the bed. He knelt down in front of her. Reaching up he took her face in his hands and made her look at him before he continued to speak.

"There is no denying that there is something between us. It's complicated, I get that. There is physical attraction, but much more than that. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith so to speak. Take a chance. Don't over think it. You're not usually the one to care what people think. So, why are you so worried about this? This is between us and I don't care if anyone else like it or not. You have to trust me on that one. As long as I know you're with me on this, I'll be there for you too."

He lifted his hand up and pushed some of her dark hair away from her face. Softly tucking the stray strands behind her ear. He wanted to hold her and tell her everything was going to be OK. But, she needed to rectify it in her own mind first.

[Deleted]

Ruby

Ruby sat with her hands in her lap, frustrated at all the babbling she'd just done and all the jumbled thoughts in her head. Sam was a smart guy and he'd figure it out. At least, she hoped so, otherwise this was going to be a long, horrible conversation.

"Ruby... this 'thing' with us. The more you try to figure it out, the more you're going to keep your mind swirling in confusion."

Yeah, no shit, she thought, but she didn't say anything. She'd figured out that the more she thought about all this the more confusing it got. She just couldn't get herself to stop thinking about it.

"I understand that you needed some space. Then things just got away from you. You are tearing yourself up trying to think this out logically. Sometimes, things just aren't logical. You want to try and put it into some kind of a neat little box and it just doesn't work that way. I mean, you don't even want to call it a relationship. But... let's face it, that's what it is. We have something together. I don't know how to help you admit to that in your own head. It's like you can't allow it to be true, that there is something wrong with it."

Ruby glanced up sharply at Sam when he mentioned the word "relationship." She didn't know if that was the right word to describe what she and Sam had, but apparently he saw it that way. She frowned when he said it was like there was something wrong with that whole concept. Well, wasn't there? Demons and humans weren't supposed to do relationships, were they? Nothing good could possibly come out of this pairing.

She looked down at her hands in her lap again. She knew that was probably true - that maybe this would lead to something more, but it wouldn't be anywhere good.

Sam moved to kneel down in front of her. She felt him reach up and take her face in his hands and he made eye contact with her.

"There is no denying that there is something between us. It's complicated, I get that. There is physical attraction, but much more than that. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith so to speak. Take a chance. Don't over think it. You're not usually the one to care what people think. So, why are you so worried about this? This is between us and I don't care if anyone else like it or not. You have to trust me on that one. As long as I know you're with me on this, I'll be there for you too."

Sam brushed some hair out of her face gently and she studied him for a few seconds. There was concern and sincerity in his voice and his expression and she smiled a little. He'd made a point there - she didn't normally care about what other people thought. But, she cared about what Sam thought and what he felt, what other people thought about her and Sam, how that affected his relationships with them. She sighed.

"Okay. Let's do me a favor and make this simple. I like you. You're the only person I really talk to and hang out with, even if we're killing demons and stuff in the process. And I could say a bunch of nice things about you to prove I like you, but screw it. You get the point. But I don't want you to get hurt. And I guess that's what I'm worried about. Relationships are hard enough in normal situations. This is anything but normal, and I'm definitely not going to make it any easier with how normal I'm not. I don't want to hurt you, Sam."

She sighed and pulled his hands from her face so she could stand up. She took a few steps away from the bed and folded her arms across her chest, not facing Sam.

"I mean, we have something, but maybe it's not something good. This could be a really bad thing we're starting. Lucifer's vessel shacking up with a demon? Not to mention the whole thing where it could be an emotional train wreck for everyone involved. I mean, maybe we should save ourselves the bullshit and just end this now.

She chewed her lower lip. She didn't want that. Whatever this thing with Sam was, she didn't want to end it. Something inside her cringed at the thought of it. But, thinking long-term, ending things now would probably be the least painful way to go.

[Sam Winchester (NPC)]

Sam

"Okay. Let's do me a favor and make this simple. I like you. You're the only person I really talk to and hang out with, even if we're killing demons and stuff in the process. And I could say a bunch of nice things about you to prove I like you, but screw it. You get the point. But I don't want you to get hurt. And I guess that's what I'm worried about. Relationships are hard enough in normal situations. This is anything but normal, and I'm definitely not going to make it any easier with how normal I'm not. I don't want to hurt you, Sam."

Sam stayed crouched down in front of Ruby as she began to talk. Looking at her, giving her his full attention. At first he couldn't help but smile a little bit as she talked about him being the only person she hung out with and talked to. Then the expression turned into one of concentration as he furrowed his brow when she got to the part about being normal. Or... not normal as the case may be.

Leaning back to give her room as she stood up his eyes followed her as she moved. He pulled himself to his feet then sat back on the bed. Frowning as she turned away from him while she continued to talk

"I mean, we have something, but maybe it's not something good. This could be a really bad thing we're starting. Lucifer's vessel shacking up with a demon? Not to mention the whole thing where it could be an emotional train wreck for everyone involved. I mean, maybe we should save ourselves the bullshit and just end this now."

Sam scrubbed a hand down his face. Then rubbed his forehead while he thought. This was complicated he knew. But, so was pretty much everything in life, at least in his life. Nothing was ever easy. And normal? Sam wouldn't know normal if it reached out and slapped him in the face. He smirked slightly before he started to speak.

"Good or bad is kind of relative don't you think? Do you feel bad when you're with me? OK, I know that's not exactly what you mean. But, isn't that what is important? If it's something that gives us something to feel good about, maybe even a little bit happy."

Sighing a bit, Sam paused. The fact of the matter was that he knew it was bizarre, that most people would think it was insane, but most people didn't even know that demons and other creatures even existed. So, wasn't that kind of a moot point? It wasn't like average Joe was going to know that he was dating demon or anything like that. Besides, at this point he just didn't really care what anyone else thought.

"As far as the whole 'normal' thing. Did you forget who you are talking to here Ruby? The boy king. The anti-Christ. Had a major demon bleed into my mouth when I was a baby. Head splitting visions, can pull demons out of their host with my mind. You want to talk about how not normal YOU are?"

"And that emotional train wreck... I don't know what's going to happen with us if we pursue this. It doesn't HAVE to end badly. Sure, it could, but that's not a foregone conclusion there. It COULD turn out to be something really good. Something that just works for both of us. Since, we're both of the un-normal variety. I do know that if we don't go with this and take the chance to see what happens, we're BOTH going to be fucked up emotionally. That's already guaranteed. So... I'd rather take the chance to have a little bit of the good and happy while it last instead of denying it and being miserable anyway."

Sam stayed seated on the bed. He wanted to go to her. But, he was always the one that did that. He didn't want to keep pushing her. She had to want it too. So, he stayed put and rested his head in his hands. Taking a deep breath and trying to get himself to stay calm.

[Deleted]

Ruby

Ruby stood there for a moment, feeling uncertain. She wasn't liking this conversation. Then again, she wasn't terribly fond of any conversation that required intense reflection on her part.

"Good or bad is kind of relative don't you think?" Sam asked. "Do you feel bad when you're with me? Ok, I know that's not exactly what you mean. But, isn't that what is important? If it's something that gives us something to feel good about, maybe even a little bit happy."

Hearing him sigh, Ruby turned around to look at him. He'd moved to sit on the bed and looked decidedly frustrated. He just didn't seem to get what she was saying. Or he didn't want to get it. Or he got it and just didn't care.

"As far as the whole 'normal' thing. Did you forget who you are talking to here Ruby? The boy king. The anti-Christ. Had a major demon bleed into my mouth when I was a baby. Head splitting visions, can pull demons out of their host with my mind. You want to talk about how not normal YOU are?"

Ruby couldn't help smirking a little at that, though she tried to hide it. When he listed it all out like that, it really was a crap ton of non-normal. Really, was it wise to toss more of it into the powder keg? Sam was intelligent, logical, and for the most part sane as far as she knew, but she didn't know how clearly he was seeing this particular situation. Emotions clouded things - she knew that all too well.

"And that emotional train wreck... I don't know what's going to happen with us if we pursue this. It doesn't HAVE to end badly. Sure, it could, but that's not a foregone conclusion there. It COULD turn out to be something really good. Something that just works for both of us. Since, we're both of the un-normal variety. I do know that if we don't go with this and take the chance to see what happens, we're BOTH going to be fucked up emotionally. That's already guaranteed. So... I'd rather take the chance to have a little bit of the good and happy while it last instead of denying it and being miserable anyway."

Poor Sam. He wanted so badly for this to somehow work. Why was that? With all the complicated crap he had in his life, why the hell did he want to add her to it? It was one thing to hunt some demons and screw around when they felt like it, but trying to make some kind of relationship out of what they had was just insanity. She wasn't sure exactly what he felt for her, but she knew what she felt for him... sort of. There was something, sure, but it wasn't the same as what a regular human would feel. It couldn't be. Demons just weren't built that way.

Sam put his head in his hands and sat there for a few minutes. Ruby just stood there awkwardly looking at him. She should probably say something, or go over there and... what, give him a hug, maybe? Would that be weird after she'd just said they sort of shouldn't do that? Would a hug be too little? They weren't exactly drinking buddies.

Ruby sighed and walked quickly over to the bed to sit down next to him.

"Look, I get that you want this to work," she said. "But, you have to know it can't really be a 'relationship.' I mean, not in the way you want. I can't be your... girlfriend."

She hesitated before saying the word "girlfriend." It sounded weird in reference to herself.

"You know that, right?"

[Sam Winchester (NPC)]

Sam

Sam remained quiet for a minute and then let out a huff of a breath. He turned for a moment to look at her when she sat down next to him. Then he looked back down at his hands in his lap. His thoughts were jumbled. He raised an eyebrow at her.

"As far as being my 'girlfriend' what do you want me to call you? My demon-friend? I have no idea what we're going to call anything. But, relationship... Well, that is what it is. Maybe you think I'm deluded into thinking something else. I'm not Ruby. I have no delusions as to us ever being 'normal'."

"Are we going to run off and get married settle down and have kids? I'm not stupid. But, can we be more than just fighting demons and fucking when we feel like it? Yeah, I think we can. We can talk, we can hang out. We can do things Ruby."

"Am I going to want to know where you are? Sure I am, every single minute of every single day? NO, I don't expect that, but just taking off for days at a time... Hell yeah, I'm going to worry Ruby. You can't change that. Am I going to worry that something could happen to you? Yeah, because you are just as susceptible to danger and 'dying' as I am. You run off on your own, a lot of things could happen to you."

"What if Lilith or some other demon catches you, finds out you're playing double agent. Hell, what if another hunter finds you, they could take you out too. You're not immune Ruby."

What did she think... Did she think that he didn't realize that this was never going to be normal? Did she think that he wasn't getting what SHE was saying? He got it. He knew it all too well. That was the point and that was what SHE wasn't getting. He was NEVER going to be normal.

He wondered what she thought was going to happen to him after everything was said and done. Personally, he didn't think it was ever going to be done. There was always going to be something out there. Whether they averted the apocalypse or not, there was always something that was going to be looming around the next corner. Probably another apocalypse rearing it's ugly head no doubt.

"After the apocalypse... IF we get through this, what do you think is going to happen Ruby? The world is going to suddenly be perfect? I'm going to magically become this normal person?"

"There will be no more demons, spirits or other things to hunt? NO. I'm still going to be up to my ass in hunting. It's never going to be over for me Ruby. Never. I'm never going to have the normal life."

"You think after all this I'm just going to be able to find some girl and settle down with a wife, a job, a house and a couple of kids? Seriously? This is my life Ruby, this is OUR lives. We are what we are and we can never go back to normal. It's not possible."

He paused for a moment. When he looked at her again he spoke a little more quietly.

"So, trying to take what feels good and right sounds like a pretty god damn good idea to me at the moment."

[Deleted]

Ruby

Sam didn't say anything at first when Ruby sat down. He was probably thinking. Sam was always thinking. Maybe that was his problem. Wait, hadn't he told her that she was thinking too much? Um, hello, pot, who's the kettle?

She was thinking about saying something, except she'd sort of already said a bunch of stuff. Maybe she should put an arm around him.

Luckily, he started talking again before she had to figure that out.

"As far as being my 'girlfriend' what do you want me to call you? My demon-friend? I have no idea what we're going to call anything. But, relationship... Well, that is what it is."

Ruby wrinkled her brows in a small frown. Wait, what?

"Wait, what?"

The words fell out of her mouth as they drifted into her head.

"Maybe you think I'm deluded into thinking something else," Sam continued. "I'm not Ruby. I have no dellusions as to us ever being 'normal'. Are we going to run off and get married settle down and have kids?"

Ruby's eyes widened. Kids? He was talking about kids? What the hell?

"I'm not stupid."

Ruby relaxed a little.

"But, can we be more than just fighting demons and fucking when we feel like it. Yeah, I think we can. We can talk, we can hang out. We can do things Ruby."

She tucked her hair behind her ear and looked down at her lap, trying to bite back her smile. Was he serious? He wanted to talk and hang out? What would they talk about? Oh, man, if all their conversations were going to be like this one she'd have to take off again. Possibly back to Hell.

"Am I going to want to know where you are?" Sam asked. "Sure I am, every single minute of every single day? NO, I don't expect that, but just taking off for days at a time... Hell yeah, I'm going to worry Ruby. You can't change that."

Ruby glanced up at him. Oh, yeah. That worrying about her thing he did. She'd almost forgotten about that.

"Am I going to worry that something could happen to you? Yeah, because you are just as susceptible to danger and 'dying' as I am. You run off on your own, a lot of things could happen to you. What if Lilith or some other demon catches you, finds out you're playing double agent. Hell, what if another hunter finds you, they could take you out too. You're not immune Ruby."

She couldn't help smirking a little and rolling her eyes at that. Like she'd let Lilith or some random hunter take her out.

"After the apocalypse... IF we get through this, what do you think is going to happen Ruby?" Sam asked. "The world is going to suddenly be perfect? I'm going to magically become this normal person? There will be no more demons, spirits or other things to hunt? NO. I'm still going to be up to my ass in hunting. It's never going to be over for me Ruby. Never. I'm never going to have the normal life. You think after all this I'm just going to be able to find some girl and settle down with a a wife, a job, a house a couple of kids. Seriously? This is my life Ruby, this is OUR lives. We are what we are and we can never go back to normal. It's not possible."

She'd never realized how cynical Sam was. Did he think like this all the time about everything, or was she a special snowflake? She wasn't sure which scenario was worse. Wow, his life really did suck. She hadn't thought about it that way before.

"Damn, when you lay it all out like that..." she muttered.

She looked down at her hands in her lap and Sam was quiet again for a second. Now what?

"So, trying to take what feels good and right sounds like a pretty god damn good idea to me at the moment."

Ruby smirked and raised an eyebrow. With all Sam's talk about emotions and relationships, she hadn't expected to hear him say something like that. She shifted her position to face him, tucking one leg under her.

"Careful, Sam. You're starting to sound like me," she said. "All 'take what you want when you want it without thinking about the consequences.' It's kind of hot."

She rested an arm on his shoulder and played with his hair with her fingers. She was over this conversation and she wasn't exactly sure she and Sam were on the same page with this whole thing, but they were at least at a point where they could stop talking themselves in circles. Okay, so maybe they hadn't come to a compromise exactly, but she'd admitted to the whole 'connection' thing and he'd sort of dropped the 'girlfriend' thing. That was good enough, right?